"running through my head, running through my head"--t.a.t.u
hey hey
well i was tryign to sleep but i have all these thoughts running through my head, and so i apologize for this long post...today was fine, i felt really disconnected though for some reason, really tired...i had lunch with my parents which was fine, and then had dinner with shawna and sharla at wanfu too, i had way too much food today and had lots of leftovers..i came home, feeling quite sick actually, but i think it was b/c i ate too fast and too much b/c when i got out of the car i felt fine, i got ready to go to the gym and started reading and next thing i knew it was 10 and i had been sleeping (which prob. explains the lack of wanting to sleep now)
anyways...after my mother complaining about how i shoudl tell her what i'm doing when i plan something like over memorial day weeknd or something...i started thinking...why? i'm 23, i have a job, i have my own plans..i live under your roof, true, but i'm not sure why that warrants her knowing what i do with my life every minute of the day, i wanted to tell her, after she offered to pay for me to visit my cousin in cali over 4th of july weekend, that she is frustrating me, but what's even more frustrating than that was she was on the phone...i want to visit my cousin, i do. but it's 4th of july, i figured that flying back on the actual day of the 4th defeats the purpose of going somewhere for july 4th, i would be flying through fireworks. so just right now i thought why dont' i levae friday night and come back tuesday, instead of thurs-mon...hmm, we'll see...it's just that the ticket price left much to be desired...it was a big chunk of my paycheck as well as equivalent to a loan payment for me, you can see my dilemma about why i was debating the trip...but she said she would pay...so we'll see...
another huge thought on my mind was something that i felt disconnected about today...lately i've been feeling very frustrated with the fact that people dont' call when they say they will, when people are late or when they say they'll do something and don't...i can't say that i am not guilty of any of those, b/c i am (shawna can vouch for my late arrival to plenty dinner dates, andy knows it took me 3.5 months to join the gym, etc)..i remember back in the day i used to call a lot of people, to keep in touch, i love talking on the phone...until i realized that i was the one initiating a lot and nobody else would ever take the time to call me...this made me sad, but i am still tryign to get over it...when i was in new york and i spent most time on IM, my phone time was spent with andy, rarely anyone called me, it almost got me thinking, shouldn't that mean i would know who my friends were? but i didn't take it like that, i just started realizing it...so, my way of coping was that i woudlnt' call anyone either, i guess i can't complain now that i don't call anyone, but since i did so much initiating or at least felt like i did, i just had to give up.
as for being late, this is really something i deal with, with my mom, sometimes friends, but mostly her...she is always late, ALWAYS...that's great, and i've learned that she is, but its frustrating b/c what makes anyone else's time more precious than someone else's..? did that make sense? like why is mine more precious than yours? or why is hers more precious than mine? ya know? i put in effort to be on time, soemtiems even early, so why can't she?...believe me, this is soemthing we've talked about on more than one occasion..(it doesn't help)
and as for saying someone may do soemthing, then not do it, i think that i care more than the average person..i tend to get really overly excited when i know i'm goign to see someone ireally care about...i dont' think peopel normally get this excited, but i do. i really do love my friends, and i don't get a chance to see them much so when i get the chance to, i'm all over it...i'm not like overly sensitive i don't think, but i think it goes with the lateness thing...i would rather not know something and then be surprised, then think about it all day or all week and get excited and have it fall through...whatever, what can you do, lol
and i think another reason i'm so bummed tonight is this whole house hunt thing, it is really frustrating, i really, really, really, REALLY want to move out...like more than anyone can imagine, but finding the "perfect" house in my price range is hard..i find cute homes, 3 bedroom/2 bath houses, with a great kitchen, some even with wood floors (extra bonus), great backyards, a super cute covered porch, a garden tub, etc, etc...but not necessarily in ONE house, it's like i haven't foudn the "perfect" one yet, so i'm frustrated, but also b/c i wish it would pop up so i coudl move...and the last issue surrounding this is the money issue...i have at least 50K due in loans (student) and am extremely worried that no one will give me a mortgage loan with that already in tow...which seems like it would delay my move out process, b/c i want to move out, and i could live in an apt, it's not that i can't...it's just that i don't want to, no offense to apt. livers, but why rent when i can buy a house with a house payment equal or sometimes less than apt rent/month? at least it's going towards something, it's like an investment...(this is what happens when you have a realtor for a mother, but she speaks truth...sometimes)...as much as i want to move out, it would make me sick to think that half of my paycheck is not really going towards anything, i mean, my stomach is churning just thinking about it...urgh.
well, i think that might be it...i feel really eh, right now...how can i step on a scale a day later and be 5lbs heavier? that's ridiculous!! whatever...i'm going to try to sleep...like i said, sorry for the rant, but this was all running around in my head..and like andy said "that's what this is here for"...
night
ps: note to readers, i hate the song i am quoting above but it seemed appropriate
well i was tryign to sleep but i have all these thoughts running through my head, and so i apologize for this long post...today was fine, i felt really disconnected though for some reason, really tired...i had lunch with my parents which was fine, and then had dinner with shawna and sharla at wanfu too, i had way too much food today and had lots of leftovers..i came home, feeling quite sick actually, but i think it was b/c i ate too fast and too much b/c when i got out of the car i felt fine, i got ready to go to the gym and started reading and next thing i knew it was 10 and i had been sleeping (which prob. explains the lack of wanting to sleep now)
anyways...after my mother complaining about how i shoudl tell her what i'm doing when i plan something like over memorial day weeknd or something...i started thinking...why? i'm 23, i have a job, i have my own plans..i live under your roof, true, but i'm not sure why that warrants her knowing what i do with my life every minute of the day, i wanted to tell her, after she offered to pay for me to visit my cousin in cali over 4th of july weekend, that she is frustrating me, but what's even more frustrating than that was she was on the phone...i want to visit my cousin, i do. but it's 4th of july, i figured that flying back on the actual day of the 4th defeats the purpose of going somewhere for july 4th, i would be flying through fireworks. so just right now i thought why dont' i levae friday night and come back tuesday, instead of thurs-mon...hmm, we'll see...it's just that the ticket price left much to be desired...it was a big chunk of my paycheck as well as equivalent to a loan payment for me, you can see my dilemma about why i was debating the trip...but she said she would pay...so we'll see...
another huge thought on my mind was something that i felt disconnected about today...lately i've been feeling very frustrated with the fact that people dont' call when they say they will, when people are late or when they say they'll do something and don't...i can't say that i am not guilty of any of those, b/c i am (shawna can vouch for my late arrival to plenty dinner dates, andy knows it took me 3.5 months to join the gym, etc)..i remember back in the day i used to call a lot of people, to keep in touch, i love talking on the phone...until i realized that i was the one initiating a lot and nobody else would ever take the time to call me...this made me sad, but i am still tryign to get over it...when i was in new york and i spent most time on IM, my phone time was spent with andy, rarely anyone called me, it almost got me thinking, shouldn't that mean i would know who my friends were? but i didn't take it like that, i just started realizing it...so, my way of coping was that i woudlnt' call anyone either, i guess i can't complain now that i don't call anyone, but since i did so much initiating or at least felt like i did, i just had to give up.
as for being late, this is really something i deal with, with my mom, sometimes friends, but mostly her...she is always late, ALWAYS...that's great, and i've learned that she is, but its frustrating b/c what makes anyone else's time more precious than someone else's..? did that make sense? like why is mine more precious than yours? or why is hers more precious than mine? ya know? i put in effort to be on time, soemtiems even early, so why can't she?...believe me, this is soemthing we've talked about on more than one occasion..(it doesn't help)
and as for saying someone may do soemthing, then not do it, i think that i care more than the average person..i tend to get really overly excited when i know i'm goign to see someone ireally care about...i dont' think peopel normally get this excited, but i do. i really do love my friends, and i don't get a chance to see them much so when i get the chance to, i'm all over it...i'm not like overly sensitive i don't think, but i think it goes with the lateness thing...i would rather not know something and then be surprised, then think about it all day or all week and get excited and have it fall through...whatever, what can you do, lol
and i think another reason i'm so bummed tonight is this whole house hunt thing, it is really frustrating, i really, really, really, REALLY want to move out...like more than anyone can imagine, but finding the "perfect" house in my price range is hard..i find cute homes, 3 bedroom/2 bath houses, with a great kitchen, some even with wood floors (extra bonus), great backyards, a super cute covered porch, a garden tub, etc, etc...but not necessarily in ONE house, it's like i haven't foudn the "perfect" one yet, so i'm frustrated, but also b/c i wish it would pop up so i coudl move...and the last issue surrounding this is the money issue...i have at least 50K due in loans (student) and am extremely worried that no one will give me a mortgage loan with that already in tow...which seems like it would delay my move out process, b/c i want to move out, and i could live in an apt, it's not that i can't...it's just that i don't want to, no offense to apt. livers, but why rent when i can buy a house with a house payment equal or sometimes less than apt rent/month? at least it's going towards something, it's like an investment...(this is what happens when you have a realtor for a mother, but she speaks truth...sometimes)...as much as i want to move out, it would make me sick to think that half of my paycheck is not really going towards anything, i mean, my stomach is churning just thinking about it...urgh.
well, i think that might be it...i feel really eh, right now...how can i step on a scale a day later and be 5lbs heavier? that's ridiculous!! whatever...i'm going to try to sleep...like i said, sorry for the rant, but this was all running around in my head..and like andy said "that's what this is here for"...
night
ps: note to readers, i hate the song i am quoting above but it seemed appropriate
